Ouroboros, by Amaranth Traces

-- Chapter Three --

Sam sat heavily on her sofa. She leaned over, her elbows on her knees, and clasped her hands, setting her forehead on her outstretched thumbs.

How had she let things get so completely out of control? She loved Pete, and when she had agreed to marry him, she thought she could love him enough to make it work.

But her thoughts for the last week had been more and more on Daniel. Of course, he was missing – probably dead – and it was her fault. So it made sense that she’d be thinking about him. Right?

Sam sighed and leaned back, her head thumping softly into the cushions of the sofa. Thinking and worrying about Daniel while he was missing was one thing, having fantasies about raising a family with him was something else entirely. Her eyes searched the ceiling, looking for ethereal wisps of light. They found none.

For the thousandth time since Janet’s death, Sam wished her friend was here to talk to. Janet would have the perfect advice. She’d know how Sam should deal with this mess. Janet hadn’t even met Pete. At the time, Sam had thought there was plenty of time to introduce them. She sighed. She had no idea what her friend would have thought of her fiance.

Her thumb toyed with Pete’s ring, spinning it around on her finger. She lifted her hand and stared at it. What was she doing? In her heart, she knew she’d never love Pete as much as she loved Daniel. Yes, Daniel was probably dead at the moment, but Sam knew – she knew – that he’d ascended again. Just as she knew he’d be back. He might hate her when he found out why he had died, but that didn’t change anything. Sam would always love him. Truth be told, she always had.

God! How could she have been so cruel to Pete? He deserved someone so much better than her. He certainly didn’t deserve someone who hid her love for her best friend by trying to love someone else. As much as she felt an obligation to fulfill the promise she had made to him, she now knew it was in both of their best interests to call off the wedding.

She had to tell him. He had been so excited about the house; it hurt to think she might break his heart. But she knew she had to tell him sooner rather than later. The longer she put it off, the worse it would get.

She picked up the phone and dialled Pete’s number. It went straight to voicemail. Damn. He must be on the phone. She left a brief message saying that she needed to talk to him and hung up.

Setting the phone down on the coffee table, Sam stared at it for a moment. Then she stood up. Now that she knew that her feelings for Daniel weren’t so easily forgotten, she had to tell General O’Neill. Sam stood up and grabbed her keys. She needed to do this now.

--

“Well, you see, General. I probably should have talked to you about this a long time ago. I just— I guess I really needed to work up the nerve to admit it to myself.” She took a deep breath. “I’d like to request reassignment. It’s inappropriate for me to continue as leader of SG-1 when I have such strong feelings for one of its members.”

Sam paused. “You said yourself that he’ll be back. We may have to find him, but we will get him home. I know that now.” She sighed and dropped her head. “He doesn’t know, but I’m in love with him, sir.” Sitting in her car, she looked up at the General’s house, resting her chin lightly on her hand. Through the windshield, she could see a plume of smoke rising over the rooftop from the back yard.

She knew she had to do this now. It would be like practice for telling Pete. She closed her eyes briefly. How could she have just thought that?

Staring again at the house, Sam realised she had no idea what the he would say. She hoped that, like her, he had moved past the feelings that had been confessed during the zatarc testing. Feelings of the never-to-leave-this-room variety. That had been four years ago, and Sam had long since realised that a real relationship between her and the General would never work. Not in the long term, anyway. And she was sure he knew that too. At least, she hoped he did.

Sam took another deep breath and puffed out her cheeks as she blew it out, nervous. Then, she climbed out of the car and walked around to the back of General O’Neill’s house. She found him at his barbeque, dousing some type of rather well-cooked meat with beer.

“Hi, sir.”

General O’Neill turned to look at her, obviously surprised. “Carter!”

“Look, I–I’m sorry to bother you at home like this, but, uh—”

“How’d you know I was here?”

Sam smiled uneasily. “I saw the smoke.”

“Oh, yeah.” He brushed off his shirt and face then looked back at her again.

“Look, is this–is this okay? I mean, I could have called first, but...”

“No. Yeah. I mean, it’s fine. So, um, what brings you to this neck of the woods on such a fine day in my back yard?” He waved the charred meat that was on the end of his barbeque fork at his yard.

“Well, actually, I’ve, um...” She glanced back in the direction she had come and cleared her throat. “I’ve been sitting in your driveway for the last ten minutes trying to work up the nerve to come and talk to you.”

He raised his eyebrows and set the meat onto the grill.

“The truth is, I’ve been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that.” She smiled nervously. This wasn’t going as well as she had rehearsed.

“Oh?”

“Pete put a down payment on a house,” she blurted, immediately regretting it. Yes, this was definitely not going as planned.

“Well, that’s great!”

“It’s a beautiful house,” she said with a weak laugh.

He nodded and then shook his head, raising his eyebrows again. “But?”

Sam dropped her gaze to the ground and took a deep breath, trying to get back on topic. “The–the truth is, I’m having second thoughts about the wedding.” She looked back up at him.

He stared at her a moment, frowning. “Why?”

“See, the—” She sighed. She had to get to the point. “The thing is, the closer it gets, the more I get the feeling that I’m making a big, huge mistake.” A gigantic, enormous, mind-blowingly stupid mistake. Sam swallowed the lump in her throat.

The General looked her up and down, then closed his eyes and turned to his barbeque, obviously not sure what to say. He glanced briefly at his house before looking at her again. “Look, Carter, the— I don’t know what you—”

“Look, I’m sorry to bother you with this, but, ah...” she interrupted. Sam knew that General O’Neill had never been entirely comfortable talking about feelings, and she didn’t want to make this difficult for him. But she had to tell him. When Daniel came back, her feelings would affect her job, and he was her commanding officer. He had to know. “See there’s actually a very good reason that I’m bothering you with this, and if I don’t tell you now, I might never—”

The creak of a door behind her made her voice catch in her throat.

“Jack, I looked everywhere,” came a woman’s voice. “I could not find—”

Sam closed her eyes and winced. She really should have called first.

Turning, she saw Kerry Johnson at the back door, holding a large salad bowl and plastic container of parmesan cheese. Sam was both relieved and disappointed at the same time. Relieved because Kerry’s presence was a good indication that the General had moved past his feelings for Sam. And disappointed because she knew that she’d never be able to say what she came here to say with this larger audience. She should have waited to talk to General O’Neill at the base.

“Colonel Carter!” exclaimed Kerry, clearly surprised to see her.

“Hi,” Sam said softly.

“Ms. Johnson,” the General said.

“Yeah, I didn’t–I didn’t...” Sam stammered.

“We were just...meeting here in my back yard on this fine day to discuss the state of affairs.” He looked up at the sky, gesturing broadly with both hands, spilling some of his beer.

Affairs. Interesting word choice. Sam smiled tightly to keep from laughing.

“Well, this is awkward,” Kerry said.

Sam again tried not to laugh. “Ya think?”

“Jack didn’t want anyone at the SGC to know about us.”

General O’Neill put down his beer and walked over to take the bowl and cheese from her.

“No, look, I—” Sam shook her head. “I, uh, I’m sorry. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have come by unannounced like this.”

Kerry shrugged good-naturedly. “Well, you know, now that the cat’s out of the bag, you’re here, why don’t you just stay? I’m sure there’s enough charred meat on the grill for all three of us.” She grinned and looked at the General, who held out a piece of what Sam generously decided to call steak for her to see.

“No, thank you,” Sam said, finally allowing herself to laugh. “I, um—” Her phone rang, and she checked the caller ID. She was relieved to see that it wasn’t Pete. “It’s the SGC.” She glanced at the General apologetically as she answered the phone. “Colonel Carter.”

“Colonel, it’s Doctor Carmichael. We need you to come to the base, ma’am. It’s your father. He collapsed.”

Sam felt her stomach bottom out. “What? When?” She knew something had been wrong with him. She should have pushed to find out more.

“We found him not long ago. He’s stable, but I think you should get in here.”

“Okay, I’m on my way.” She hung up and turned to the General and Kerry. “I–I gotta go. Uh, it’s my dad.”

--

Sam ran into the infirmary, looking for Doctor Carmichael. “What happened?”

“He’s stable for now, but we’ve moved him into Isolation Room One.”

Damn it, that wasn’t what she had asked. “What happened?”

“He wants to talk to you himself, Colonel.”

Frustrated and worried, Sam left the doctor and headed straight for the isolation room. She opened the door and found her father sitting up in the bed, wearing hospital scrubs and looking very frail.

“Dad?”

“I’m sorry, kiddo. We both are.”

“About what? What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to ruin everything like this.”

Sam’s worry grew. It wasn’t like him to beat around the bush. When he had told her that he was dying of cancer, he had used exactly four words. ‘I have cancer, Sam.’ Granted, that was before his blending with Selmak, but still... “Dad?”

He sighed. “It’s Selmak. He’s dying.”

“Oh my God. I’m sorry.” She felt a sharp stab of guilt for being relieved that it was the symbiote’s health that was the problem and not her father’s.

“It’s okay. He’s okay. He led a pretty full life.”

“I didn’t live with Jolinar that long, but I think I have some idea what it’s like.”

“Well, this is a little different, Sam. As you know, when a Tok’ra symbiote dies, they can prevent their host from dying as Jolinar did with you.”

Sam nodded. Jolinar’s sacrifice had been a terribly emotional experience for Sam. Her dad had been blended with Selmak for years, and she knew this must be an even more difficult situation for him.

“The problem is,” her dad continued, “that last selfless act requires a certain amount of energy and a conscious effort.”

Suddenly, Sam had a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. “What are you saying?” she asked slowly, not sure she wanted to know the answer.

“By all rights, Selmak should have been dead weeks ago. I wouldn’t let him go. I thought we needed him. That I needed him to help you stop the Replicators.”

A chill ran through Sam’s entire body. “Dad?” she asked through her clenched jaw.

“He hung on as long as he could. Then he slipped into a coma just after we activated the weapon on Dakara.”

“You’ve known all this time since then?”

“I didn’t want to spoil your wedding. Now, I thought we could make it.”

Sam stared at him, praying that she heard him wrong. “‘We’?”

“He’s barely alive.”

She shook her head, not wanting to believe him. Not wanting to listen. She couldn’t lose both Daniel and her dad in the same week. She just couldn’t.

“I’m going to die with him, Sam.”

Sam’s mouth went dry at the same moment her eyes filled with tears. She closed her eyes for a moment, not wanting to cry in front of her father, but failing miserably in her effort.

He took her hand and squeezed it, smiling softly at her. “You should probably contact the Tok’ra.”

She nodded glancing briefly at the door to the hallway. “I’ll have someone get in touch with them.”

“It’s okay, Sam. I’m not going anywhere just yet. Have you had dinner?”

“Dad.”

“Please, Sam. I’ll still be here when you get back.” He looked at her, his eyes imploring her to do as he asked.

Slowly, she nodded. “I won’t be long,” she whispered.

Sam made her way down to the control room. Sergeant Harriman sat at his post. “I need you to dial the Tok’ra base.”

He immediately complied, and after the standard play-by-play of the dialling sequence, the wormhole opened. Sam spoke into the radio, quickly informing the Tok’ra of what was going on. After being assured that a contingent would soon visit to pay their respects, she signed off. Sam straightened and watched as the wormhole disengaged.

“Are you alright, Colonel?” Harriman asked.

She couldn’t look at him. She knew he was just being nice, but it was going to make her cry. “I’m fine,” she said. “When they arrive, please have someone show them to Isolation Room One.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Thank you,” she said softly, thanking him more for his understanding than for carrying out her orders. Then, turning on her heel, Sam quickly left the control room.

In the locker room, she changed out of her civilian clothes. After splashing some water on her face at a sink, she leaned on the counter and stared at her reflection in the mirror. With several deep, cleansing breaths, she regained control of her emotions and was ready. She went back to the infirmary, finding her dad in much the same condition as before.

Sam sat down next to his bed, taking his hand in hers.

“A number of the Tok’ra have responded. They want to pay their respects.”

“They can come.”

“I can’t believe there’s nothing they can do.” Her father looked at her pleadingly. But she continued. “They can remove a Goa’uld. In the last few years you’ve almost perfected the process of saving a host.”

“That process instantly kills the symbiote before it releases toxins. It’s too late for that, Sam.”

She looked away, studying a section of the floor near her chair.

“I’m sorry,” he said, squeezing her hand. Sam turned back to him. “I hate to do this to you, but I should have been dead four years ago. Since then, I’ve been all over the galaxy.” He smiled weakly. “I’ve done things most men never dream of.”

Sam could have laughed. “Where have I heard that before?” Those were almost the exact words she had said to the hallucination of her father when she was stranded on Prometheus with a head injury.

“I just want to know you’re going to be happy.”

“I am.”

He looked at her with deep sadness in his eyes. “Don’t let rules stand in your way.”

Sam shook her head, not understanding. He couldn’t know how she felt about Daniel, could he? How could he, when she had only just rediscovered it herself? “What are you talking about?”

“You joined the Air Force because of me.”

She laughed softly in surprise. How could he think she didn’t like working for the Air Force? “I love my job.” Sam smiled.

Her father sighed, nodding. Then, he lifted his hand and cupped her cheek, looking at her seriously. “You can still have everything you want,” he said slowly.

“I do, Dad.”

He exhaled heavily and rested his head back against his pillow.

Sam took his hand, holding it between hers. She looked at him, nodding. “Really.” She rested her chin on their hands, staring at him.

Her dad sighed again. “Sam, my biggest fear is that you don’t really know what you want.” He looked at her imploringly. “You do know that you’re in love with him, don’t you?”

“Who?”

“Daniel.”

Sam gaped at her father. “How—” She shook her head in amazement. “How long have you known?”

“Since we were on our way home after you rescued me from Ne’tu.” He smiled. “Actually, it was Selmak who figured it out. You know how I am when it comes to things like that.”

She laughed softly and squeezed his hand. “Yeah, Dad,” she said softly. “I know. I finally realised I couldn’t hide from it any longer.”

Her father nodded. “Good. You also know he’ll be back. The rules can be bent, Sammy. Just because you’re leader of the team doesn’t mean you can’t make it work.”

“I know, Dad. I went to talk to General O’Neill about it today, but...”

“But something got in the way.”

“Yeah.”

“What about Pete?”

“I’m going to talk to him, too.”

“That’s my girl.”

Sam’s eyes burned, and her vision blurred. “Dad, there has to be something we haven’t—”

“There isn’t, kiddo. I’m sorry, but this is it for me.”

“I feel like I just got you back in my life.”

“Selmak gave us our best years together, Sammy. I’ll always be grateful for that.”

“Me too, Dad.”

“I am so proud of you.” His fingers tightened around her hand. “I always have been.”

Sam choked on her tears and looked up at the ceiling. She took a shuddering breath before looking back at her father. “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you, too. All I want is for my little girl to be happy.”

“I know.”

“You’ll talk to Daniel when he gets back?”

She sniffed and nodded.

“You two will be good for each other. You’re a good match. I’ve always thought so.”

Sam smiled at her dad through her tears. When Daniel came back, she’d talk to him. She didn’t know what his reaction would be, but somehow, she’d work up the courage to talk to him.

A soft knock behind her made Sam clear her throat and turn around. Sergeant Harriman and several Tok’ra were standing in the doorway.

“Thank you, Sergeant,” she said.

He nodded and headed back down the hallway. She turned back to her father. He smiled weakly at her and squeezed her hand again.

“I’ll just be up there.” Sam nodded to the observation area overlooking his room.

Her father smiled, and she left his bedside. The Tok’ra nodded their thanks as she passed them.

From the observation room, Sam watched as the Tok’ra spoke to her father. General O’Neill came by to see how she was doing. She wasn’t sure he believed her when she said she was okay, but she really was. Still, she had been very grateful for his support. It was nice to have someone to lean on when Daniel, the one who usually provided the emotional comfort she needed, couldn’t be there.

One of the Tok’ra laid a hand on her father’s shoulder and looked up at her. It was time. Sam went down into the isolation room and took her father’s hand. She kissed his forehead, and he opened his eyes. “I love you,” he said quietly.

Then, he closed his eyes and was gone.

--

Author’s note: This chapter is dedicated to Selmak/Jacob Carter and their portrayer, Carmen Argenziano, who’s apparently also a Sam/Daniel shipper. Watching his death scene 153 times to get this chapter written was just painful. *sniff* I miss Jacob/Selmak.

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